(I’m hoping that your Spotify Wrapped has dropped - and if you use Apple Music - well, at least you have lossless audio…)
Ah yes, the interactive web-app that summarises your beloved sounds into data - to wholly and fully describe your emotions in lists and percentages.
HOW SHOULD I FEEL DERRICK?
1. Let It Define You
Don’t be shy. Your friends will ask for yours, and you will want to show them “your most loved songs” but not “your most loved albums” - because you accidentally had that one Slum Village album on repeat overnight and now you’re in their top 0.1% and don’t want to be seen as an “old head”. You know what I say to this?
ALLOW IT.
Rip that bandaid off and say “LOOK - I AM AN OLD HEAD AND SLUM VILLAGE IS THE SAUCE”.
Last year, my fav album was DONDA. That album sucked but I gave it a chance. But hey, my epitaph will forever read: “In 2021, Derrick’s favourite album was DONDA”.
2. You’re probably sexist
If you’re a man - how many women did you REALLY listen to this year.
If you’re a woman - how many Playboi Carti songs did you REALLY listen to this year.
Sometimes I think about the statistics that Spotify won’t show you. The juicy details. For example - they probably are withholding the statistic that says “Derrick you are one of the oldest listeners of Le Sserafim - it’s not a good look my guy”.
3. Decide: You are a commitment-phobe or wife/husband material
I feel Wrapped personas falls into two main categories:
Commitment-phobe: You want to listen to as much music as possible to find all the gems you haven’t heard before. Your Top Songs are mostly unrecognisable because you listened to that one jazzy UK hip hop song in March fifty times in a row and you can’t remember what “Mengdo - Penge Girls” sounds like on sight. * ±
Wife/husband material: Your top songs are your favourite artists. Drake, Harry, Peggy (Gou or Mafia, up to you), Men I Trust - you’re committed, you’re in for the long haul. Your wall is impenetrable - you will not allow any new artists in UNLESS they featured on a Drake song.
*Mengdo is not a real artist - I wanted it to sound like Mango
±Penge Girls is actually not a bad name for a song. The suburb of Penge always made me laugh
4. You’re not as eclectic as you think
“You listened to 144 different genres this year!” feels like you listen to a diverse range of music, but alas, all of these are the same genre my dude:
Sludge rap
Lofi rap
Chopped and slopped
Drainer core
Sewer pop
Mumble clap
Breakwave nightgore
Takeoff-wave
Triplet-flow-horror-skunge
Joe Rogan Podcast-core
5. Congratulate yourself - you are an unpaid influencer
Finally, the genius of Spotify Wrapped is that it turns fandom into stats, and stats into social assets, and social assets into free marketing for the platform. I’m not being cynical - I respect it. I’m talking about it! Imagine if somehow Uniqlo was able to track how many times I wore their products every day.
“You’re in the top 0.1 of people who wore 98% Uniqlo each day - including your undies!”
So what does my Wrapped look like? Alas, I wrote this before I received mine. Don’t worry, I’m going to talk about it in some way/shape/form.
If you made it to the bottom (Bikini Bottom) - my monthly plyalist. is now updated here.
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6w8QbnN2WMZ5Zf9xMoim1G?si=8HIjot2ZTpG0OO5K_uSBKg
“you are one of the oldest listeners of le sserafim” noooooo lmao